I Really Am Okay
by Chibi Atariel Tsukai
Summary: Charlie feels more infinite than ever. Movie-verse.


Dear friend,

I have not written to you in almost a month, but I thought I should so you know that I really am okay. In fact, I am happier than I have ever been! I know it's probably hard to believe after the last letter I wrote, which I'm sorry for, by the way. My psychiatrist says that I should be fine seeing her only once a month now. That's how well I'm doing! I haven't thought of Aunt Helen in a while, and when I do, it's only in a good way. I know you're probably wondering what has changed so much to make things this good. Well, Sam and I are dating now! It's long distance, but that's okay.

I spent the night before she left for Penn State at her house and helped her pack her things even after Patrick went to bed. I had been thinking a lot about how she had given me my first kiss the last time we were alone in her room, which made me want to kiss her. I guess I was staring at her for a while because she asked me what was wrong.

"I just. . want to. . . " I figured that it would be better to just show her, since I couldn't seem to find the words. I turned to face her and placed my hands on her shoulders. Then I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. My whole world was spinning and I wondered if hers was too. Then, the best thing happened. She ran her hands up my back and took some of my hair between her fingers, kissing me back more deeply. Everything stopped spinning, which was good because you know how I feel about things moving when they're not supposed to.

Tears were falling down my face. "I love you so much, Sam. I'm sorry I never told you before like how you said you wanted someone to. I just. . You and Craig. . . "

Sam pulled me close and gently kissed my head while running her hands over my back again. "It's okay, Charlie. I love you too. And I'm glad you listened to what I said about wanting to be able to know what you're feeling. It's not good for anyone to keep all of that emotion inside of them. You know that, don't you, Charlie?"

I nodded because that's all I could trust myself to do to show her that I understood. She looked at me for a little longer and I let out a breath. "I wish you didn't have to leave tomorrow. I wish we still had the whole summer together. But it will be okay. Right? I mean, you'll be back for a week in August. Do you think you'll come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas too?" I asked, knowing that my brother had not made it home as often as my parents had wanted.

Sam smiled and hugged me. "Don't worry, Charlie. I'll be back sooner than you know. I'm sure you and Patrick will spend most of the summer together. Then you'll be busy with school while we're away at college."

I hugged myself close and kissed Sam again. "Can I write letters to you? And call you sometimes?"

Sam held me back a little so she was looking me in the eyes. "I want you to do whatever _you_ want, Charlie. If there's anything you want to tell me about, write a letter or call me. Even if there's nothing you really want to talk about, but you feel like you just need to talk, you can call me. I'll call you once I know what my schedule is going to look like so you have a better idea of when I'll be able to answer my phone. Even if I'm in class, though, I'll always try to answer. So don't worry too much about me. Just promise me you'll take care of yourself. Okay, Charlie?"

I nodded and pressed our lips together again. I didn't want to think too much about how she would be leaving in the morning. She seemed to think of that detail as well, because she began to cry. Not knowing how to calm her down, I just kept kissing her. After several moments, I let my hands wander as her had started to roam my body. The good thing about my relationship with Mary Elizabeth had been that I learned that girls liked it if you touch their breasts. So, I touched Sam's breasts. And it felt different from when we were performing Rocky Horror and I touched her when she was Janet. It felt completely different. I think she thought so too, because she breathed my name out. I felt my penis go hard in my pants and was so embarrassed. I was still used to trying not to think of her that way, even though I should have figured that it was okay to think of her like that since I had kissed her and she had kissed back and she wasn't with Craig anymore and Mary Elizabeth wasn't mad about me kissing her anymore.

"Sam. . . am I allowed to think of you like this now?" I asked, just to make sure.

Sam laughed softly and I felt even more embarrassed. It had been a dumb question. "Of course, Charlie. If that's how you feel, I want you to think of me that way. Are you ready for this, though? Mary Elizabeth said that you two never went lower than the chest."

Trying not to overthink the fact that Mary Elizabeth had told Sam that I touched her breasts, I nodded. "I love you, Sam. I want you to know that."

The next kiss was even more passionate than the last. Our tongues rubbed together, which felt better than I could have ever imagined. I squeezed her breasts gently and she slipped one hand beneath my pants and boxers to squeeze my erection in return. My hips jerked forward some and she just continued to stroke me down there. "That feels really good, Sammm. . . " I moaned softly, still caressing her breasts. I was already close to my orgasm – I could feel it. I wanted her to have hers as well, so I decided it was a good time to start on that. I pulled my hands out from under her shirt and let them wander further down. I pulled her skirt and panties down without feeling too shy about it. However, I realized something that made me stop. I looked up at her, my erection already aching from not being relieved. "I don't have a condom, " I told her. She quickly pulled one out of the drawer of her nightstand and gave it to me. She took it back within a minute, though, as I had no idea how to put it on. She ended up doing that for me also, which made me feel kind of bad because I was really trying to move things further like she wanted me to. I was back in control once she made sure it was on right, so I positioned my penis at her vagina.

Sorry I really don't know what words to use besides those. I guess I could just skip this part, but it feels too important to leave out. I really hope you have someone who means as much to you as Sam means to me. You didn't sleep with that girl at the party, even though you could have, but hopefully you found someone that means the world to you that you've made or can one day make love to.

Anyways, back to me and Sam. As you know, I was, and still am, new to this kind of thing. But it kind of just comes naturally when I am with Sam. Everything seems to fit perfectly – our lips, my hands against her breasts, her hand against my penis, my penis in her vagina. She moaned against my shoulder, which she pressed her lips to so she wouldn't make too much noise, I guess. For once, I was glad that she had been with Craig. I've heard that sex hurts a lot the first time for the person getting it. I don't think I could live with myself if I ever hurt Sam, even if she ended up enjoying it. I held that position for a few moments, trying to get used to the feeling of being inside of her. It felt like we fit together perfectly, but it was still a strange, new feeling for me. I felt her move a little and groaned softly, then began to move as well. We kissed again, moaning each other's name into the exchange. "Sam. . I'm so close. . . " I whispered.

"Me too, Charlie," she replied, which surprised me. The few times I had her having sex with Craig, it always seemed like a long time before I would hear her orgasm. I guess I really shouldn't have been listening to them, but it made me wonder if it was a good or bad thing she was ready to have her orgasm so fast with me. I doubt that I was better than Craig at something like sex.

I had to shake my head to physically shake those thoughts away. I turned my attention to Sam once again. She looked so beautiful, like always. My member twitched one last time and I had to pressing my lips to hers to keep myself from shouting her name as I had my orgasm. She moaned against my lips as well and we both collapsed. I rolled off of her, carefully pulling out and throwing the condom into the trash. Laying back down, I pulled Sam close and ran my hands through her short brown hair. "I love you, Sam."

Sam smiled up at me and nodded. "I love you too, Charlie. And that felt really good," she whispered before laying her head on my chest. I thought that we should put our clothes back on, but we were both too tired, so I just pulled the blankets up over our bare lower regions.

The next morning, Patrick woke us up bright and early. "Hey guys, it's time to get up. Mom made breakfast and we still have to pack the truck-ohhh. I see what happened!"

I sat up quickly, startled by Patrick finding us. Sam did not seem to mind at all. She sat up slowly and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. "'morning, Charlie. 'morning, Patrick."

The blankets were starting to slide down, so I pulled them up close. "'morning. . . " I greeted in return, still a bit shyly even though they were my best friends.

Patrick just stood in the doorway with a grin for a couple more seconds before ducking out of the room, closing the door once more. Sam got out of bed and headed for the bathroom that was connected to her bedroom. I waited for almost a minute until I heard the shower running before getting up and gathering my share of clothes that had been thrown across the room the previous night. I then moved into the bathroom so I could brush my teeth while Sam was in the shower. She had the curtain pulled back slightly and was looking out at me. "Thank you for last night, Charlie."

I nodded softly. "I love you," I said simply. I felt nervous once again. She had told me that she loved me too, but what if my sex wasn't as good as Craig's, or anyone else Sam may have had sex with?

She smiled and I felt like everything would be okay. "I love you too, Charlie. You should hop in," she said, making room in the shower for me.

I got completely naked and climbed in the shower, just looking her over. "You're beautiful, Sam. Inside and out. I'm sorry other people treated you like you're not, " I apologized.

She wrapped her arms around me and pulled close. I felt my cheeks heat up even though we had sex the previous night and I shouldn't have been embarrassed about something like a hug, even if we were both naked. I'm happy to say, though, that I did not get an erection. I guess it has to do with the fact that I finally had sex with her and it wasn't a dream so maybe my body doesn't feel like it has to react to such a simple gesture. I don't know, really. I think it made more sense in my head than it does on paper.

Anyways, we just stood there for a few minutes, the water rushing down over our bodies. "I really do love you, Charlie. I'm sorry I didn't realize it until last night," she whispered, pressing her head to my chest. I let one hand rest in her hair and we stayed there a little longer.

"We should get downstairs," I pointed out. She nodded and we both washed up and finished getting ready quickly. We kissed for a sweet moment, then went downstairs to join Patrick and their parents. Breakfast was pretty quiet, until Patrick started moaning whenever he took a bit of food. I was pretty embarrassed, but Sam just laughed and told him to grow up. She held my hand the whole time, which helped me relax and laugh a little myself.

"What are you three going to do for the _hours_ Patrick's not here to disturb you?" Same asked. Their parents finally laughed as well and I felt a lot better.

"Well, Charlie doesn't have to worry about those _boring_ hours. I figured he could come along with us! That way, I have someone to make sure I don't fall asleep behind the wheel on the way back," he explained when both Sam and I looked at him in confusion.

"As long as it's okay with Charlie's parents," Patrick's dad said before anyone could say anything else.

So I called home after breakfast. My mom said that it sounded like a good idea and that Patrick could come over for dinner when we got back from helping Sam move in.

We packed the bed of the pickup truck with Sam's things, then climbed into the front. Sam sat in the middle so she could control the music we listened to with the hand that was not holding one of mine. Almost every time the song was switching, Patrick would hum "K-I-S-S-I-N-G" to tease us. Well, more me than Sam. He wasn't doing it to be mean, of course. I'm sure he could tell that I was still a little nervous about finally being with Sam, so he was probably just trying to ease the tension. It helped as I soon found myself leaning in and kissing Sam on the corner of her mouth. She smiled and turned her head so we could kiss properly. I breathed out heavily, running my tongue along her lip. "I love you, Sam."

Sam smiled softly. "I love you, too, Charlie," she told me. She pulled back, however, as a familiar song came on the radio, just as we were entering the tunnel that led into the city. It was the same song from the night we had all felt infinite. She looked at the truck bed, then back to me. She grabbed my hand and before I knew it, we were both climbing into the back. I stood behind her and took her hands into mine. We stretched our arms high above us.

I had no idea that I could ever feel more infinite than the first time, but I did. And every time I'm with Sam, I feel a little more infinite than the last. So I just want you to know that I really am okay. And I hope you are okay too. Thank you so much for reading all of my letters. I think this will be my last, because I am feeling way better than I was the night before my first day of school.

Love always,

Charlie


End file.
